Anger
Healthy Anger
You are:
➔ present
➔ proportionally reacting to a boundary violation
➔ using the emotion as a guide to maintain your identity and independence
➔ proud afterwards
Unhealthy Anger
You are:
➔ ‘gone’ - body/brain is ‘in the past’
➔ reacting to ‘nothing big’ upon reflection
➔ left feeling shame and guilt about what was said and/or done
Both are valid and full of info and anger will enter your system and will always be a part of you.
It’s important to:
1) Breathe:
through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth
2) Name it:
“I am so f*ckin angry right now!”
3) Process it:
Clench your fists, flex your chest and shoulder muscles, clench your jaw...
4) Acknowledge and appreciate it:
I notice this feeling will come, stay and go, and it is important.
5) Check in with your SELF:
Is this healthy or unhealthy anger?
Both types of anger are SO important, but the action and/or conversation is very different!
Healthy Anger =
clarifying a healthy boundary: ‘It is not okay that you...’ & stating a clear result action: if this continues, I’ll have to...
Unhealthy Anger =
acknowledging to yourself you are not ‘here’: ‘whoa! I’m not present...’ & being curious and compassionate to that part of you: ‘I don’t know what triggered that, but I know it makes sense’ & sharing with others: ‘you didn’t do anything wrong but when you talk like that... I’m gone because of…(past)’.
Anger: Readings and Videos
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
by Pete Walker. An intense but extremely valuable way to look at your childhood and the impact it is having on you today… especially if you have the attitude that you didn’t have a traumatic childhood.
https://youtu.be/JsDq-D_NBfI?si=3p7hDOKd0lrOLfSQ
The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living
by Russ Harris -anger is an emotion. In fact, it’s a core emotion. This book is a great way to deal with difficult and intense emotions.
Ihttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-28U1q83ec
Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory
by Deb Dana - this book gives practical tips on how to deal with difficult emotions, and it is based in science. This book is not specifically about anger but talks about the role the nervous system and amygdala plays in our ‘outbursts’.
https://youtu.be/Cxn9SyW0DvM?si=IN_fPznwuErj2LrT
Healthy Anger vs. Unhealthy Anger
https://youtu.be/tXxDj2-8bZI?si=67dTpQvQLw81wyzB
And… a Podcast!
https://youtu.be/V49ftfUohPQ?si=ATuMQ8Wd5As1AQMy
https://youtu.be/-JP3mE547cg?si=WpghXADg2jK3kUoJ